How to “Feel Your Feelings”

Therapy buzzwords are everywhere lately, and sometimes even the most well-intentioned folks say things without really taking the time to understand or explain what they mean. One example of this is the seemingly straightforward idea of “processing” your emotions or allowing yourself to “feel your feelings”. Connecting with our emotions is necessary, but it’s easy to feel unsure of how to actually begin doing that.

How can I “feel my feelings”? 

1. Check in with your body

   You can try doing a quick body scan, paying attention to any sensations, tension, pleasant feelings, butterflies in your stomach, etc. Slowly scanning from head to toe is one way to engage in this exercise. Our body holds an infinite amount of information and wisdom that often goes overlooked or unnoticed if we don’t intentionally tune in with it. Because our brain and our body are connected, not separate, our emotions often show up in various physical manifestations. Learning to understand our body’s natural “resting” state vs. how our body responds when we are experiencing certain emotions can be an important part of allowing ourself to experience and then move through our emotions. Try to check in with your body even when you aren’t in a heightened emotional state. There’s valuable information to be learned when we’re well-regulated too.  

2. Resist the temptation to immediately distract or avoid

   It can be tempting to immediately jump to a learned coping mechanism when we notice an uncomfortable emotion. However, avoiding our emotions only makes them sit and fester. Distraction certainly has its uses, but when we try to pretend an emotion doesn’t exist or attempt to “get rid of it” before we’ve taken the time to be curious about it, typically that emotion doesn’t just go away. Feelings are called feelings for a reason: they need to be felt. Although tackling our uncomfortable emotions head on can sound scary, this is often the exact thing we need to be able to make sense of the experience and then let go of it in a productive way.

   Imagine a bottle of Coca Cola. If our feelings are the cola inside, avoidance is like shaking the bottle. Each time we shake the bottle, the feelings don’t go away; instead, they start to bubble up until eventually the bottle can’t contain them anymore and the cola explodes everywhere uncontrollably.

3. Name the emotion

   Emotions are information, but if we don’t know what we’re feeling, then we can’t know how to work with it. Your emotions are like little messengers that show up to alert us to something our nervous system wants us to pay attention to. Try using the Feelings Wheel to put a name to what you’re feeling. Increasing our emotional vocabulary not only helps us to better communicate what we’re feeling, but it also gives us greater insight into our emotional experiences. The more specific we can be, the more we can learn what the emotion is trying to tell us.

4. Get curious about the emotion

   After you’ve identified the emotion you’re feeling, then you can start to learn from it. What is that anger telling you? Maybe that a boundary has been crossed? That there is an injustice happening? Is the sadness letting you know how deeply you care? Or reminding you of what’s important to you? Emotions can tell us all kinds of important things about our experience, so we need to take the time to ask “what is this emotion trying to communicate to me?”

5. Physically feel the feeling

   Now that you’ve done your body scan and identified your emotion, it might be helpful to incorporate movement or utilize a physical outlet for your emotion. Maybe this looks like letting yourself cry, or screaming into a pillow, or going for a walk. Things like Progressive Muscle Relaxation can be a great way to release built up tension. Whatever the outlet, find a way to help your body move through what it’s holding.

6. Incorporate positive coping skills

   Now that you’ve done the work of feeling your feelings, incorporating positive coping skills can help to manage them effectively. If we’re using a SUDS scale, coping skills aren’t necessarily meant to take us from a level 10 to a level 0, but maybe a level 10 to a level 7. Coping skills aren’t meant to erase or bypass our emotions, they are meant to help bring us to a more regulated state to be able to better manage the emotion and still engage in our daily life. Coping skills might include things like journaling, listening to music, going for a walk in nature, calling a friend, or playing with your dog. If you need some more ideas for positive coping skills, check out this list of 99 Coping Skills.

Feelings are not the enemy, and there are no “good” or “bad” emotions.

Some emotions may feel more unpleasant than others, and occasionally our emotions may get big enough to cause significant disturbance in our everyday life, however, feeling your feelings is important and healthy. If you’re having a hard time managing your emotions or feel overwhelmed with how to make sense of the things you’re feeling, Nurtured Nature Counseling can help. Reach out today to schedule a free consultation.